This is more than likely not

my period. I've been changing pads simply so that it's easier to keep track of how much blood is falling and at what rate. So far, one pad all day yesterday that was probably only half full, and then another overnight that had some spotting on it. That definitely isn't like any period I've ever had. Usually the second day and overnight are the heaviest times. I also haven't been having any bad cramping which is really uncharacteristic. M is still convinced that I'm pregnant. He got two bottles of ginger ale last night. He's so sweet. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. So patient. Having faith where mine is lacking. I guess his experiences with jesus come in handy. Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic. If the bleeding stops after Wednesday, then I'm going to go ahead and still take the pregnancy test on Friday.

Hardest day ever

So, I guess this is why women don't talk about being pregnant until they know for sure. This has been by far the hardest day ever and I don't know how I would have gotten through it without M. This morning, I woke up and was definitely feeling some slight cramping, kinda like the onset of my period. I was afraid to go to the bathroom since just last night, I took a pregnancy test that came out negative. It might have just been too soon, or I might just not be pregnant, but M and I basically wrote that possibility off, especially since the nausea last night was as bad as it's ever been. Well, this morning, I wiped and there was blood. A significant enough amount of blood that I immediately starting bawling in M's arms. He held me. I finished. I explained what happened. Then an hour later, I went to the bathroom and there was barely any blood at all. Now generally my periods are crazy heavy. The first day is almost an every 2-hour ordeal of going to the bathroom to change a tampon with a super absorbent maxi pad as a back up. Today, I've worn one pad since about 8AM and it's not even near saturated, there only a little blood on it. So, now I'm REALLY confused. I went online and in a lot of cases, vaginal bleeding can be normal, especially on the day that your period would have normally started. It could also be a sign of something horrible, like a molar pregnancy or a miscarriage. It could also mean I'm not pregnant at all. I'm still nauseated off and on, and the cramps and no where what they usually are. The only thing I can do is wait and see. If the bleeding gets heavier, then I'll know. If not, then I'm going to take another test on Friday.

Pregnancy or Period?

All the books and website say that early pregnancy feels a lot like your period. So much for life's little indicators. I definitely feel at this point like it could go either way. Better odds than winning the lottery, I guess, so that's at least a bright side. Anyway, just thinking. Desperately trying to figure out if there is something to know about the little life that may or may not be. If there's someone in there, I'm really excited to meet you.

Two Weeks of Hell

How do women get through these two weeks?? I'm hyperaware of every feeling and every twinge. Looking for some confirmation. I'm really not this much of a stress case, I (let's say it all together) JUST WANT TO KNOW!!!

Suggestion: Never take an online pregnancy test. Yes, as stupid as it sounds, I figured the gods of the internet could tell me if I was pregnant based on a 15 question questionnaire. Realizing this thing is probably as reliable as a Magic 8 Ball, I took it and it told me it was highly unlikely that I'm pregnant, and now I'm just sad. Stupid Internet.

It's funny because earlier this month, I had become obsessed with the idea of Schrodinger's Cat. If you don't know it, take a moment to wikipedia it. OK. Now we're all on the same page. I'm so ready to rip this box open and see if I have a live cat. I just want to know one way or the other. The universe already knows the answer. It is or is not already. It's black or white already. It's just me not knowing. I need to learn patience. I need to find joy in the unknowing possibility. I need to chill out! Either answer, my life is still joyous. I have a wonderful husband and an adorable family. All things will happen in their given time.

Thanks for talking me down, Blog!

Implantation bleeding?

I know the Internet will be my undoing, but I can't help it. Just went to the bathroom, and there was the lightest tinge of pink when I wiped. Normally I would consider this information TMI, but if you're reading a pregnancy blog, then you might be going through this too and this might to helpful. I know it's WAY to early for my period (my last period was 11/2; ovulation occurred sometime around 11/13, I think). So, looking online implantation bleeding, which occurs in about 1/3 of women, would be right on schedule (6-12 days after ovulation; this would be day 8). I was definitely feeling crampy the other day, like I had done 500 crunches (and trust me, I hadn't). So that's another positive sign, I'd say, in the "Probably pregnant" category.

I'm so ready to know for sure!

Could it be?

So I'm having M redo the design for our website, the-romas.com. Seems wrong to have a zombie themed pregnancy blog. But it also seems bit presumptuous to start posting publicly, more than I have, before officially knowing whether or not I'm pregnant. So right now, I'm just posting thoughts to myself that I will at some point move over if I am in fact pregnant. I really hope that I am, but I keep thinking that there is some cosmic power that will somehow prevent this. Not that people who would make horrible parents don't become parents every day. And I don't even think M and I would make horrible parents. In fact, I think I would be a damn good mother. I think it's the fact that I want this so much that I wonder if the universe will grant it to me this easily. I mean, a part of this process is merely chemistry. Get substance A into Beaker B and mix. Repeat. Granted, every woman is different, but generally you're not "supposed" to feel symptoms until after your pregnant. I've been nauseous since last Thursday, which would have been possibly two days after conception. Pre-implantation. I looked online and people said it was possible. I'm sure I could also look online and have these symptoms confirmed as cancer: nausea, check. headache, check. fatigue, check. Abdominal cramping, well, depends on the form of cancer. I know I'm horrible at mitigating my feelings. If I'm excited, I just have to be excited. I'm not going to be more or less disappointed. But I guess a part of me does want to reserve some excitement and wait and see. If I'm uber-sure and telling everyone and jumping up and down and then it turns out to be nothing, then would I be excited the next time when it might actually happen. I definitely feel something. I think it makes a cooler story if I can tell my kids that I felt them living me from the very moment they existed. I've loved them from before then. My favorite part so far is M talking to my stomach. It makes me simultaneously happy and sad. He's utterly convinced that it worked, that I'm pregnant, and he's hoping for twins. I love that. Normally he's the cautiously reserved one. However, he thinks there is just too much coincidence of us trying and my symptoms for there not to be some correlation.

I believe my period will be officially late November 30th, but I want to take a pregnancy test on December 2nd. It's my grandmother's birthday. I can't think of a better way to confirm new life than on the same day I'm remembering my grandmother's life. If I get my period before then, I'll live. I'm just hoping...